Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Dear Diary, I've been really kinda scared

I haven't posted in several days.  I have been back and forth about this whole banding thing.  Am I doing the right thing?  Did I really try as hard as I could?  Pre-op diet has gone so well, can't I just be a pre-opper for life?  And I've been feeling scared about the actual procedure.  Could I really die if I do this?  Do I trust the hands involved in this procedure?

Of course I thought about this all before I even made my decision to get banded but as the days have been getting closer these thoughts have been coming back and putting a real fear into me.  I have cried tears over the past several days struggling with this and I can't believe I even almost made the call to cancel my surgery.  I've really had to do some soul searching and finally just turned this all over to Jesus.  I am at a calm about this now.

I am doing the right thing.
I did really try.
Sure, I could do a pre-opper diet, maybe even for life, but where is the rehabilitation in that?
Yes, I can die...but I can die if I don't do this.
Do I trust the hands of my surgeon?  I trust Jesus to touch the hands of those that will be performing this procedure.  I know I will be okay.

Am I really scared because I have been stuck with this addiction for so long?  It is an addiction.  This whole food thing.  Everything about it.  The compulsive pattern of eating.  Because of my addiction, I spent the ages of 20-41 as an overweight to severely obese adult.  I have never really enjoyed these years.  I have been miserably fat.  I am ready to not be stuck in this cycle of fat and diets that have not worked for me.  I am ready to make a life style change....A LIFE STYLE CHANGE.

So, I am going into this tomorrow finally ready.  I'm not afraid.  NOT AFRAID.  And I adopt this song "Not Afraid" by Eminem as my anthem.  It's about addiction and rehabilitation.  I have found it uplifting to me as I think about this awesome change that is about to happen.

To everyone else that is about to make this change, I am happy to be amongst them.  We are really doing a positive thing for ourselves.  For those that are already on the road ahead of me...kudos to them.  I can't wait to get to where they are.

Thank you Diary....


  1. I had those exact same thoughts the last couple of days before I was banded last week. I even looked at my husband as I was laying in the pre-op room and asked "Am I doing the right thing?" Of course I was and you are too! You are not afraid!


  2. I am still having those same thoughts two days away from my surgery. God Bless you and those involved in your surgery tomorrow. =)

    We are making the right decision.

  3. Lena, welcome to the band!!! Great post. The decisions are scary and you know I have been struggling with the same things...now on the other side and there is some pain.....I am confident that I/we made the right choice.

    Hugs, Kel